Model Positive Behavior: The Power of Demonstration Over Instruction

Children learn most powerfully by observing and imitating the significant adults in their lives.

When parents and caregivers demonstrate resilience, optimism, and constructive problem-solving in their own behavior, they provide a living template that shapes how children respond to life’s challenges.

These activities focus on intentionally modeling the attitudes and behaviors that naturally counter self-pity.

Through thoughtful demonstration and shared experiences, you show your child not just what to do, but how to approach life with resilience, positivity, and confidence—skills that are absorbed through observation rather than instruction alone.

Activities

1. Reflective Storytelling

Purpose: To share personal experiences of resilience and growth that provide children with real-life examples of overcoming challenges positively.

Materials Needed:

Family photos or mementos
Timeline of key life experiences
Story prompt list
Reflection questions

Drawing materials for illustrations
Journal for recording reactions
Comfortable sharing space
Story collection notebook

Steps:

1. Preparing Meaningful Personal Stories:

Develop a repertoire of age-appropriate, impactful narratives:

Select personal experiences that demonstrate:
1. Overcoming obstacles or setbacks
2. Learning from mistakes
3. Persisting despite difficulty
4. Managing disappointment
5. Finding unexpected positive outcomes
6. Growing through challenges
Structure stories with key elements:
1. Relatable challenge or problem
2. Authentic feelings and reactions
3. Turning point or decision moment
4. Actions taken to address the situation
5. Lessons learned or growth experienced
6. Positive outcome or meaningful resolution
Prepare stories at different levels:
1. Simple narratives for younger children
2. More complex situations for older children
3. A mix of minor and significant challenges
4. Various emotional themes
5. Different types of problem-solving strategies

2. Creating an Engaging Storytelling Approach:

Present stories in a way that fosters connection and learning:

Choose opportune moments for sharing:
1. Relaxed, unrushed family time
2. Relevant to current situations
3. During bedtime or meal conversations
4. Car rides or walks together
5. When child expresses interest in your experiences
Use engaging storytelling techniques:
1. Expressive voice and facial expressions
2. Age-appropriate language and descriptions
3. Visual aids like photos when available
4. Humor where appropriate
5. Interactive elements (“What do you think happened next?”)
Connect stories to your child’s experiences:
1. “This reminds me of when you…”
2. “Have you ever felt that way?”
3. “This is like what happened at your school…”
4. “I felt a lot like you did when…”
5. “I learned something that might help with what you’re experiencing…”

3. Highlighting Growth and Resilience:

Emphasize elements that counter self-pity tendencies:

Be authentic about challenges and emotions:
1. Acknowledge real difficulties faced
2. Share genuine feelings experienced
3. Avoid minimizing struggles
4. Demonstrate appropriate vulnerability
5. Balance honesty with age-appropriate content
Focus on agency and problem-solving:
1. Emphasize choices made and actions taken
2. Highlight moments of asking for help
3. Describe thought processes during challenges
4. Share strategies that worked (and those that didn’t)
5. Show active response rather than passive victimhood
Frame setbacks constructively:
1. Present difficulties as opportunities for growth
2. Share how challenges built character or skills
3. Describe unexpected positive outcomes
4. Connect past challenges to current strengths
5. Express gratitude for lessons learned

4. Engaging in Reflective Discussion:

Guide conversation that deepens understanding:

Ask open-ended questions about the story:
1. “What part of that story stands out to you?”
2. “What do you think about how I handled that situation?”
3. “What might you have done in my place?”
4. “How do you think I felt when that happened?”
5. “What do you think I learned from that experience?”
Connect to broader concepts:
1. “Everyone faces challenges sometimes.”
2. “Problems usually have solutions if we keep trying.”
3. “Feelings are important, but they don’t have to control us.”
4. “Mistakes can be our best teachers.”
5. “Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.”
Invite your child’s own stories:
1. “Has anything like that ever happened to you?”
2. “Would you like to share a time when you solved a problem?”
3. “What’s a challenge you’ve faced recently?”
4. “Have you ever learned something important from a mistake?”
5. “Would you like to tell me about a time you were brave?”

5. Building a Family Narrative of Resilience:

Create an ongoing story collection that reinforces growth mindset:

Develop a storytelling tradition:
1. Regular family story times
2. “Story of the week” sharing
3. Special occasion reflection circles
4. “Remember when” conversation starters
5. Family history exploration sessions
Document meaningful stories:
1. Create a family resilience storybook
2. Record audio or video of story sessions
3. Draw illustrations of key story moments
4. Map a family “challenge and growth” timeline
5. Create story cards for different life lessons
Include diverse family perspectives:
1. Invite grandparents to share their stories
2. Include siblings’ experiences
3. Welcome stories from extended family
4. Compare different approaches to similar challenges
5. Notice family patterns of strength and resilience

Story Theme Examples:

“The time I didn’t get the job I wanted but found something better”
“When I was afraid to try something new but did it anyway”
“How I handled a big disappointment when I was your age”
“A mistake I made and what I learned from it”
“When I had to work really hard to accomplish something important”

2. Optimism in Daily Conversations

Purpose: To demonstrate a positive, solution-focused outlook in everyday interactions, showing children how to find opportunity and learning in all situations.

Materials Needed:

Positive language reference guide
Reframing examples list
Gratitude journal
Good news sharing ritual items

Optimism prompt cards
Positive aspect identifier
Lesson learned journal
Growth spotlight

Steps:

1. Cultivating Personal Optimism Habits:

Develop your own realistic positive thinking patterns:

Work on your own thought processes:
1. Notice negative or catastrophizing thoughts
2. Practice reframing challenges as opportunities
3. Develop gratitude awareness
4. Focus on aspects within your control
5. Build positive expectation habits
Create personal optimism rituals:
1. Morning gratitude reflection
2. Positive aspect identification
3. End-of-day success highlighting
4. Challenge reframing practice
5. Good news collection
Distinguish healthy optimism from toxic positivity:
1. Acknowledge real difficulties
2. Allow space for genuine emotions
3. Focus on constructive response rather than denial
4. Balance realism with hopeful perspective
5. Emphasize growth and learning over forced happiness

2. Modeling Positive Daily Communication:

Demonstrate optimistic language and framing:

Use growth-focused language:
1. “This is challenging, but I’m learning…”
2. “I didn’t succeed yet, but I’m making progress.”
3. “That didn’t work out as planned, but I can try…”
4. “I’m grateful that even though X happened, Y is still good.”
5. “Let’s look for ways to make this situation better.”
Demonstrate constructive problem framing:
1. “Here’s an interesting challenge to solve…”
2. “I wonder what options we have in this situation.”
3. “This gives us a chance to figure something out.”
4. “Let’s see what we can learn from this.”
5. “I’m looking forward to seeing how we handle this.”
Model gratitude and appreciation:
1. Express thanks for everyday positives
2. Notice and comment on simple pleasures
3. Acknowledge others’ helpful actions
4. Point out beauty in surroundings
5. Express appreciation for opportunities

3. Transforming Challenges Through Positive Framing:

Show how to find opportunity in difficulty:

Demonstrate reframing in real situations:
1. When plans change: “Now we get to try something different!”
2. With mistakes: “Great! I just discovered one way that doesn’t work.”
3. During delays: “This gives us extra time to…”
4. With disappointments: “This wasn’t what we expected, but let’s see what we can make of it.”
5. For failures: “What an interesting learning experience.”
Focus on control and agency:
1. “I can’t control the weather, but I can choose how to respond.”
2. “Let’s focus on what we can do about this.”
3. “Even though X happened, we still have choices about…”
4. “This part is difficult, but we have control over…”
5. “We get to decide how we handle this situation.”
Highlight growth opportunities:
1. “This is helping me develop patience.”
2. “What a chance to practice my problem-solving skills!”
3. “I’m getting better at adapting to changes.”
4. “This is building my resilience muscles.”
5. “I’m learning something important from this experience.”

4. Creating Family Optimism Practices:

Establish routines that reinforce positive perspectives:

Implement regular gratitude rituals:
1. Daily “three good things” sharing
2. Thankfulness highlights at mealtimes
3. Bedtime gratitude reflection
4. Weekly family appreciation circle
5. Morning positivity check-ins
Develop challenge reframing habits:
1. “Silver lining” spotting game
2. “Opportunity finder” family role
3. “Lesson learned” discussions
4. “Plot twist!” perspective for unexpected changes
5. “Future story” imagining positive outcomes
Celebrate efforts and improvements:
1. Notice progress in challenging situations
2. Acknowledge perseverance and attempt
3. Create “growth spotting” habits
4. Share observations of family members’ efforts
5. Maintain a family “wins and learns” journal

5. Balancing Optimism with Authenticity:

Model healthy positivity that acknowledges reality:

Demonstrate emotional honesty alongside optimism:
1. “I feel disappointed, and that’s okay. After I feel my feelings, I’ll look for next steps.”
2. “This is really frustrating for me right now. I might need some time before I can look for the positive.”
3. “I’m sad about what happened, AND I know we’ll find a way forward.”
4. “It’s normal to feel upset about this. We can acknowledge those feelings and still look for possibilities.”
Address unrealistic positivity:
1. Avoid dismissing genuine problems
2. Don’t minimize significant losses
3. Recognize when toxic positivity appears
4. Balance acknowledgment with constructive action
5. Model appropriate emotional processing
Connect optimism to values and meaning:
1. “This matters to me, so it’s worth persisting through difficulty.”
2. “My commitment to X helps me stay positive even when it’s hard.”
3. “Finding the good in situations helps me be the kind of person I want to be.”
4. “Being able to see possibilities makes life more meaningful for me.”
5. “Looking for the positive helps me contribute more effectively.”

Daily Optimism Practices Examples:

Morning “What I look forward to today” sharing
Dinner table “highlight and challenge” reflection
Bedtime “three good things” ritual
Car ride “opportunity spotting” game
“Challenge to growth” transformation stories

3. Joint Problem-Solving Sessions

Purpose: To demonstrate effective problem-solving approaches while actively involving children in the process, showing them how to address challenges constructively.

Materials Needed:

Problem-solving process chart
Solution brainstorming tools
Decision-making worksheet
Implementation plan template

Problem and solution journal
Evaluation tools
Success celebration supplies
Problem categories list

Steps:

1. Selecting Appropriate Problems to Solve Together:

Choose issues that provide valuable learning opportunities:

Identify suitable problem types:
1. Family logistics challenges (scheduling, organization)
2. Household management issues (chores, space utilization)
3. Relationship matters (sibling conflicts, friendship issues)
4. Resource allocation (time, money, materials)
5. Planning challenges (events, trips, projects)
Consider problem characteristics:
1. Real and meaningful (not contrived)
2. Age-appropriate complexity
3. Multiple possible solutions
4. Low emotional intensity to start
5. Interesting to your child
6. Impact on family life
Begin with structured problem selection:
1. Family meeting agenda items
2. Weekly challenge identification
3. Rotating problem-solver role
4. Problem jar with issues to address
5. Regular “what’s working/not working” check-ins

2. Modeling a Clear Problem-Solving Process:

Demonstrate a systematic approach to addressing challenges:

Use a consistent methodology:
1. Define the problem clearly
2. Gather relevant information
3. Generate multiple possible solutions
4. Evaluate options
5. Select and implement a solution
6. Evaluate results and adjust if needed
Think aloud during each stage:
1. “Let me make sure I understand the problem…”
2. “What information do we need to solve this?”
3. “I’m going to try to think of several possible solutions…”
4. “Let’s consider the pros and cons of each option…”
5. “I think this solution makes the most sense because…”
6. “After trying this, we should check if it’s working…”
Demonstrate flexible thinking:
1. Consider unusual or creative approaches
2. Show willingness to revise initial ideas
3. Demonstrate openness to others’ suggestions
4. Model adaptability when circumstances change
5. Explicitly value multiple perspectives

3. Facilitating Meaningful Child Participation:

Create genuine opportunities for involvement:

Establish collaboration expectations:
1. Everyone’s ideas are welcome
2. Listen to each other respectfully
3. Focus on the problem, not the person
4. Build on others’ suggestions
5. Work toward solutions that benefit everyone
Use supportive facilitation techniques:
1. Ask open-ended questions
2. Validate contributions
3. Provide think time
4. Record all ideas without immediate judgment
5. Help clarify and expand on child’s thoughts
Balance guidance with autonomy:
1. Start with more structure and guidance
2. Gradually increase child’s role and responsibility
3. Allow for child-led portions of the process
4. Step back when the child shows capability
5. Provide support when genuinely needed

4. Modeling Constructive Attitudes During Problem-Solving:

Demonstrate important mindsets and approaches:

Show positive problem orientation:
1. “This is an interesting challenge to solve.”
2. “I believe we can figure this out together.”
3. “Problems are normal and solvable.”
4. “This gives us a chance to be creative.”
5. “I’m curious about what solutions we’ll discover.”
Demonstrate persistence and flexibility:
1. Stick with difficult problems
2. Try multiple approaches when needed
3. Adjust strategies based on feedback
4. Remain patient during the process
5. Balance persistence with knowing when to take breaks
Model healthy emotional responses:
1. Stay calm during challenges
2. Express feelings appropriately
3. Maintain perspective about importance
4. Use humor when appropriate
5. Demonstrate frustration tolerance

5. Celebrating and Reflecting on the Process:

Reinforce learning and build problem-solving identity:

Review the solution effectiveness:
1. Check if the problem was solved
2. Discuss what worked well
3. Identify any unexpected outcomes
4. Consider further improvements
5. Plan follow-up if needed
Highlight process insights:
1. “What did we learn from solving this problem?”
2. “Which strategies were most helpful?”
3. “What might we do differently next time?”
4. “How did working together help us find a better solution?”
5. “What other problems could we solve with this approach?”
Build a family problem-solving narrative:
1. Keep a record of problems solved
2. Refer to past successes during new challenges
3. Create family problem-solving mottos or sayings
4. Acknowledge growth in problem-solving abilities
5. Establish your family as “good problem-solvers”

Problem-Solving Session Examples:

“How can we organize our morning routine to reduce stress?”
“What’s the best way to arrange the playroom so everyone’s needs are met?”
“How might we plan a family outing that everyone will enjoy?”
“What system could help us keep track of library books?”
“How can we make homework time more effective?”

4. Expressing and Managing Emotions

Purpose: To demonstrate healthy emotional awareness, expression, and regulation, showing children that all feelings are acceptable while teaching constructive ways to manage them.

Materials Needed:

Personal emotion vocabulary list
Coping strategy reference
Emotion regulation tools
Self-care checklist

Family feelings discussion cards
Emotion intensity scale
Calm-down corner access
Feeling expression examples

Steps:

1. Developing Your Own Emotional Awareness:

Strengthen your personal emotional intelligence:

Enhance personal emotion skills:
1. Expand your emotion vocabulary
2. Practice identifying your feelings
3. Notice physical sensations of emotions
4. Recognize your emotional triggers
5. Understand your typical emotional patterns
Build your regulation toolkit:
1. Develop effective calming strategies
2. Practice pause-before-response habits
3. Create healthy emotional release methods
4. Establish self-care routines
5. Learn your unique regulation needs
Examine your emotional modeling history:
1. Reflect on how emotions were handled in your childhood
2. Identify patterns you want to continue or change
3. Notice automatic emotional responses
4. Consider cultural and family emotional norms
5. Develop intentional emotional expression goals

2. Modeling Healthy Emotional Awareness and Identification:

Demonstrate recognition and naming of feelings:

Narrate your own emotional awareness:
1. “I’m noticing I’m feeling frustrated right now.”
2. “I realize I’m feeling disappointed about the change of plans.”
3. “I’m feeling a mix of excitement and nervousness.”
4. “My body is telling me I’m feeling stressed – my shoulders are tight.”
5. “I think what I’m feeling is actually hurt, not anger.”
Show emotional curiosity and acceptance:
1. “That’s interesting – I wonder why I’m feeling this way.”
2. “It makes sense I feel this way given what happened.”
3. “My feelings are trying to tell me something important.”
4. “It’s okay to have this feeling, even if it’s uncomfortable.”
5. “Emotions give us useful information when we listen to them.”
Normalize emotional complexity:
1. “I’m having several feelings at once about this.”
2. “Part of me feels X, and another part feels Y.”
3. “My feelings about this situation have changed over time.”
4. “Sometimes feelings don’t make logical sense, and that’s normal.”
5. “Different people can have different feelings about the same thing.”

3. Demonstrating Appropriate Emotional Expression:

Show healthy ways to communicate feelings:

Model verbal expression of emotions:
1. Use “I feel” statements
2. Express emotions without blaming others
3. Share feelings at appropriate times
4. Use specific emotion words beyond basics
5. Connect feelings to needs or values
Demonstrate appropriate non-verbal expression:
1. Show facial expressions that match verbal statements
2. Use body language to communicate feelings
3. Express emotion intensity in controlled ways
4. Demonstrate physical boundaries when emotional
5. Show safe physical expression (squeezing hands, deep breaths)
Balance emotional honesty with appropriateness:
1. Show authentic feelings while considering context
2. Adjust expression based on setting and audience
3. Demonstrate waiting for better times to express big feelings
4. Model appropriate vulnerability
5. Show emotional boundaries and privacy when needed

4. Modeling Effective Emotion Regulation:

Demonstrate healthy ways to manage feelings:

Show real-time regulation strategies:
1. “I need to take a few deep breaths to calm down.”
2. “I’m going to take a short break to collect myself.”
3. “Let me use my calming strategy right now.”
4. “I notice I’m getting upset, so I’ll pause before responding.”
5. “I’m going to write in my journal to process these feelings.”
Demonstrate healthy emotional processing:
1. Journal about feelings when appropriate
2. Talk through emotions with a supportive person
3. Show how to reflect on emotional experiences
4. Use creative outlets for emotional expression
5. Demonstrate appropriate times to seek help
Model specific regulation techniques:
1. Deep breathing during stress
2. Physical movement for energy release
3. Sensory strategies for overwhelm
4. Cognitive techniques for worry
5. Social connection for difficult emotions

5. Reflecting on Emotional Experiences:

Show how to learn from emotional situations:

Demonstrate post-emotion reflection:
1. “Now that I’m feeling calmer, let me think about what happened.”
2. “I’ve noticed a pattern in what triggers this feeling for me.”
3. “Next time I feel this way, I think I’ll try…”
4. “That strategy really helped me manage my emotions.”
5. “I’ve learned something important about my feelings.”
Model emotional repair when needed:
1. Apologize for emotional outbursts
2. Take responsibility for emotional reactions
3. Show how to reconnect after emotional distance
4. Demonstrate forgiveness of self and others
5. Make amends for hurt caused during emotional moments
Connect emotions to personal growth:
1. “This difficult feeling taught me something important.”
2. “I’m getting better at handling this emotion.”
3. “Managing this feeling is helping me develop as a person.”
4. “Understanding my emotions helps me understand others better.”
5. “I’m proud of how I’m learning to work with my feelings.”

Emotion Modeling Examples by Feeling:

Frustration: “I’m feeling frustrated with this task. I’m going to take a deep breath and try a different approach.”
Disappointment: “I feel disappointed that our plans changed. I need a moment to adjust, then we can think about alternatives.”
Worry: “I notice I’m feeling worried about this situation. Let me think about what I can control and what steps I can take.”
Joy: “I’m feeling really happy about this news! I want to take time to really enjoy this feeling.”
Anger: “I’m feeling angry right now. I’m going to take some space to calm down before we discuss this further.”

5. Setting and Working Towards Personal Goals

Purpose: To demonstrate the process of setting meaningful goals, persisting through challenges, and experiencing the satisfaction of achievement through your own example.

Materials Needed:

Personal goal worksheet
Progress tracking system
Goal milestone markers
Challenge response plan

Celebration ideas list
Goal journey documentation
Reflection questions
Visual goal reminder

Steps:

1. Selecting and Sharing Appropriate Personal Goals:

Choose goals that provide valuable modeling opportunities:

Select goals with teaching potential:
1. Appropriate difficulty (challenging but achievable)
2. Process visible to your child
3. Relatable to child’s interests or understanding
4. Demonstrating important life skills
5. Meaningful enough to sustain effort
Consider various goal types:
1. Learning goals (new skills or knowledge)
2. Health and wellness goals
3. Creative projects
4. Home improvement objectives
5. Professional or volunteer aspirations
6. Habit development goals
Introduce your goal effectively:
1. Share your excitement and motivation
2. Explain why this goal matters to you
3. Connect to values or bigger life purposes
4. Describe your vision of success
5. Invite your child’s questions and input

2. Modeling Effective Goal-Setting Process:

Demonstrate thoughtful planning and preparation:

Show systematic goal development:
1. Break the larger goal into smaller steps
2. Create a realistic timeline
3. Identify potential obstacles
4. Plan for needed resources
5. Set specific success criteria
Think aloud about your planning process:
1. “I need to think about what steps will get me there.”
2. “Let me consider what might make this difficult.”
3. “I’ll need these resources to accomplish my goal.”
4. “A reasonable timeline might be…”
5. “I’ll know I’ve succeeded when…”
Create visual goal tracking:
1. Display your plan where your child can see it
2. Use charts, calendars, or progress meters
3. Mark milestones visibly
4. Document the journey with photos
5. Create a dashboard of goal metrics

3. Demonstrating Persistence Through Challenges:

Show how to handle inevitable obstacles:

Model productive responses to difficulties:
1. Express initial frustration appropriately
2. Demonstrate pausing to regroup
3. Show problem-solving in action
4. Adjust approaches when needed
5. Maintain focus on the larger goal
Verbalize constructive self-talk:
1. “This is harder than I expected, but I can figure it out.”
2. “I haven’t succeeded yet, but I’m making progress.”
3. “Let me try a different approach.”
4. “I need to remind myself why this goal matters to me.”
5. “It’s normal to face challenges when working on important goals.”
Demonstrate effective resource-seeking:
1. Research solutions to problems
2. Ask for help or advice when needed
3. Use tools or technology appropriately
4. Learn from others with experience
5. Show value of collaboration

4. Celebrating Progress and Achievement:

Model recognition of effort and accomplishment:

Acknowledge meaningful milestones:
1. Celebrate small wins along the way
2. Recognize effort regardless of outcome
3. Note improvements and learning
4. Share progress with family members
5. Create simple rituals for milestone moments
Express authentic feelings about achievement:
1. Share pride in accomplishment
2. Discuss satisfaction of seeing progress
3. Express joy in the process itself
4. Show appropriate self-acknowledgment
5. Demonstrate gratitude for support received
Connect goal achievement to values:
1. Discuss how reaching goals reflects what matters
2. Show how goals contribute to personal growth
3. Make connections to family or community values
4. Express how achievement serves larger purposes
5. Demonstrate setting new goals based on values

5. Reflecting on the Goal Journey:

Model thoughtful processing of the experience:

Share insights gained from the process:
1. “What I learned about myself was…”
2. “The most challenging part was…”
3. “What surprised me about this experience…”
4. “Next time I’d approach this differently by…”
5. “This experience changed how I think about…”
Connect goal work to character development:
1. Discuss how persistence was strengthened
2. Note problem-solving skills developed
3. Acknowledge emotional regulation practiced
4. Recognize planning abilities improved
5. Highlight creativity utilized
Bridge to your child’s experiences:
1. “Have you ever felt like I did when…?”
2. “This reminds me of when you were working on…”
3. “The skills I used might help you with…”
4. “Would you like to set a goal of your own?”
5. “What kind of goal interests you?”

Goal Examples with Learning Opportunities:

Learning a new skill (instrument, language, craft): Shows practice persistence and managing frustration
Fitness goal: Demonstrates consistent habits and overcoming motivation challenges
Home project: Shows planning, problem-solving, and adjusting to unexpected issues
Reading goal: Models lifelong learning and consistent small efforts
Decluttering project: Demonstrates breaking large tasks into manageable parts

These modeling activities help children develop:

A template for how to approach life’s challenges
Real-world examples of resilience and optimism
Understanding that difficulties are normal and manageable
Confidence that problems have solutions
Permission to experience and express emotions appropriately

Remember that your example speaks much louder than your words. Children learn most powerfully through observing the significant adults in their lives handling everyday situations with resilience and positivity.

Next Steps

Begin by noticing your current modeling patterns
Choose one area to focus on initial improvement
Be authentic in your modeling—children sense inauthenticity
Remember that modeling includes showing how to handle mistakes and setbacks
Gradually incorporate more intentional modeling into daily interactions

The goal is not perfection, but intentionality—being conscious of what your behavior is teaching your child about how to approach life’s challenges and joys. By modeling resilience, optimism, and healthy emotional management, you provide your child with living lessons that naturally counter tendencies toward self-pity.